5 years later, grief doesn’t disappear. It changes.

On October 15, 2020, my mother died of Stage 4 colon cancer. Considering how terrible I am with dates, I keep thinking that I’ll forget this one, but turns out, some things just become etched deep in your memory.

When it comes to grief, I’ve always liked the ball-in-a-box metaphor. The basic idea is that our grief is a bouncy ball in a box that occasionally hits the “pain” button. The button never gets less painful. It can feel as sharp and devastating as the moment you lost someone.

However, the ball gets smaller.

As time goes on, the ball hits the pain button less often, because it’s not inevitable anymore. But it also means that you might be fine for days, weeks, or months, then suddenly break down at a moment you least expect. Not exactly convenient (especially for those like me who hate surprises), but better in some ways.

My ball-in-the-box moment most recently was this summer when I checked to make sure that my mom’s laptop was cleared off (because yes, I’m just now getting around to that). I thought we’d already taken all the files off and I was just checking one more time before wiping it, so I was surprised to realize that we hadn’t touched a thing on there.

I was even more surprised to find the very first folder said “Read Me.”

It contained only one document: a Word file named “Anna.”

Needless to say, even before opening it, I was crying. By the time I saw what it was, I had absolutely lost it in a way that I hadn’t since the day my mother died.

Nearly five years after she was gone, I found a letter that my mother wrote me when she learned she was dying. It was just as heartbreaking—and just as meaningful—as you’re imagining.

One of the passages stood out to me today as I reread the letter. With the world on fire the way it is, I think it’s easy to get discouraged. (It certainly is for me, at least.) It’s hard to plan ahead or feel much optimism about much of anything.

Yet, back in 2018, when my mom first got her diagnosis, she never lost that optimism. She was given a few months to live and lived a full three years instead. In that time, we fit in every possible moment we could together—with her, and with all those who loved her.

The letter might have been for me, but this passage? I think it’s for all of us.

What I’ve been up to lately

It’s been a minute since I’ve sent out a newsletter, so I’ve got quite a few articles to share. These include my very first articles for National Geographic and Consumer Reports!!! (These would be the two “dream publications” I hinted at with the last newsletter, for anyone still wondering.)

• The truth behind the legend of Miyamoto Musashi, Japan’s greatest samurai, National Geographic

• Why Renters Need Renters Insurance, Consumer Reports

• Give Them a Break: Smoking Might Be Hourly Workers’ Only Chance to Breathe, SUCCESS

• What is an ‘Invisible Mental Load’?, SUCCESS

• I Graduated College Debt-Free Thanks to Scholarships—This is How I Did It, SUCCESS

What’s the deal with… the frog costume?

When I imagined The Resistance, I admit, I never expected it to be led by inflatable frog suits.

Frogs have been taking over social media, news, and other online areas thanks to their prominence in the Portland protests against ICE.

It’s a fairly brilliant strategy, really. As the president and his cabinet proclaim that Portland is a war zone, the news casually flips to show Portland, where people dressed up as frogs, unicorns, and sharks are dancing to pop songs in front of ICE agents. It creates an immediate, stark contrast from the joyful resistance of protesters who are merely existing outside a government building with the ICE agents who are fully armed, armored, and masked.

Word on the street is that inflatable frog costumes have sold out around the country (who would have had that on their 2025 bingo card??) as people prepare for the October 18 No Kings Day protest. So, if you were hoping to join the fun, you might have to settle for a different inflatable animal. (Seriously, what even is 2025?!?)

One Way You Can Help Someone Today

If you’ll forgive me being sappy a bit longer today, I’ve got an easy one for you: tell someone how much they mean to you. Right now. Right here. Text or call or walk across the house to make sure they know.

One of the best things that my mother taught me was to never hold back on letting those you care about know how important they are to you. We said “I love you” in the thirty years we knew each other more than many people do in their entire lifetimes. Sometimes, I forget that it’s not how everyone operates.

However, thanks to working at Hallmark for nearly a decade, I also saw just how much it means to people if you say it even if you’ve always assumed it’s known. Little cards that I sent on a whim to remind someone how much they mean to me have turned up years later when I learned the person still read them to this day.

And as for me? I still have a note from my mom that reminds me she loves me that I look at often. It was never in doubt, but having that reminder helps all the same.

With everything so dark right now, you might be surprised just how much a simple reminder can do to brighten someone’s day.

Recommending…

Recently I got a book in the mail that I pre-ordered ages ago, and I’m so excited to dig into it.

I’ll confess, I’m a little biased, because I’m a long time fan, friend, and former coworker of author Britney S. Lewis. However, that just means I can say with full confidence that she is 1) an absolutely incredible writer and 2) I can assure you that the author behind the book is pretty amazing, too. As of the debut of this book, Britney is even a #1 NYT Bestselling author!

So what is the book actually about, you ask? Well, Britney was inspired by the werewolves (and Jacob in particular) within the Twilight series as well as Bonnie from The Vampire Diaries. She thought they deserved better (and she’s 100% right), and wanted to see herself and those she cares about reflected in the books she loves. So, enter Blood Moon: A romantic fantasy about Black university student Mira Owens, who finds herself in the center of an ancient war between werewolves and vampires.

Buy Blood Moon here or check it out from your local library!

I want to hear from you! Have you heard a term going around that you’d like to know the meaning of? Do you wish you knew more about something I’ve mentioned here? Send me an email, and remember, there are no silly questions. 

Anna Wenner is a writer whose work has appeared in The New York Times’ Wirecutter, National Geographic, Consumer Reports, Lovepop, Hallmark, and more. You can learn more about her at her website.